She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
