you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
