this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
COCAINE IS GR8
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
