My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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