Don't make out with my wife yet
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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