Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
