so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
