i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
