Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
