I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We are all done wearing pants today
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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