her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
