my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
