the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
