I wish you could order shots online.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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