Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
