Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
