My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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