I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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