I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
