A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So much Jack, so little girl.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
