I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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