so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize