I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
