Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
