If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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