In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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