You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
