Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
