fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
