I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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