in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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