I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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