so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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