My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
