If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
