What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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