Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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