It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
