so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize