I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
