Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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