Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
