Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
