I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
