There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
