She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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