If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
