cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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