I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
