he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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