I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
