Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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