There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We are two peas in an std pod
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize