is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
