My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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